The beginning of my college career was not actually spent at Covenant. With high hopes after high school, I began college after participating in a gap year program; however, a series of concussions from unrelated experiences and a lack of time to heal from each one compounded into a major mental health decline towards suicidal ideation. I spent a year at home to heal, and it was then that I was encouraged to apply to Covenant for a fresh start. Though I visited Covenant in high school, it had seemed much too small, and I initially thought it might not be a good fit. But this time around, for some reason I had an immediate peace about Covenant and quickly made the decision to enroll.

I came to Covenant expectant for what was to come but ended orientation week feeling confused and frustrated. I did not understand what my purpose was here and felt lonely and out of place. It felt like a bubble of students who said they loved Jesus but hadn’t experienced the practical life struggles of grappling through faith to account for an indwelling desperation for Jesus. I craved authenticity, yet I was pretending in my own life that everything was okay when in reality I was struggling through my slow healing process. I desired revival in my life but felt like all I could see around me was a focus on intellectual and theological understandings rather than heart formation. 

My cynicism remained, and loneliness seemed to follow me. It began to seem as if transferring here was a terrible decision. The mental health issues I dealt with a year prior began to come back, and, as a transfer student, I felt like I was in the midst of processing something that other first-year students could not relate to because they had just come from high school. I felt far from God, yet I kept clinging to the promise of His presence in Matthew 28:20. I knew God was with me, but I felt I had nothing to give and no energy to invest in others.

One day, I was on the Bluff trail talking with a friend on the phone who said, “If you aren’t thriving there, why are you staying?” He encouraged me to transfer somewhere else or start full-time work. Meanwhile, my parents were encouraging me to push through and just get through the semester. They saw that Covenant’s united theology with regular gospel-centered teachings created a sweet community and desired for me to experience this. The testimonies of older students gave me hope that my understanding of this college was just a partial image of the community at Covenant.

That first year, I was surrounded by girls in my hall who were going through similar mental battles that I had gone through the year before— I just didn’t know it. The roommate of the girl across the hall from me abruptly left, so my roommates and I invited her to move in with us. We all became fast friends, and suddenly our room was a revolving door to many of our hallmates. We all experienced how vulnerability created a tight bond, and slowly, the Lord showed me how to be a vessel for His redemptive work. Although I wanted to go straight into ministry, knowing there was much work to do in this broken world, I realized I needed to develop here at Covenant.

The Lord began to give me contentment in my heart through the protectiveness that this campus provided. Covenant proved itself to be a safe place to mess up, question theology, analyze faith, and rebuild that faith with a stronger foundation. I was welcomed by all my professors into their offices as they committed to faithfully pray over and for me. The friendships on my hall were joyful and silly and provided a sweet sisterhood. Deep, lasting friendships took time to form, which was often tedious, but with Bible studies, prayer and praise, and other hall events, I began to create natural bonds. I was also intentionally sought out by upperclassmen who were faithful in mentoring me and caring for me. I am richer because of these friendships and hope to keep many of these sweet friends for the rest of my life.

I look back on these two years and understand why the Lord has protected me from myself. I was selfish in my understanding of growth and not mature enough to see the work of the Lord in the mundane moments of life. Instead of leading me to jump to the next thing, like what I wanted to do, the Lord brought me to Covenant to wrestle through my faith in this greenhouse environment. He has given me time to dwell in His Word and to live it out, however imperfectly, through campus life. He has redeemed my very view of redemption and has met me here, at Covenant, in ways I do not know how to describe or comprehend. Time and time again, I was brought back to Isaiah 54:5 where God is proclaimed as the Defender, Redeemer, and Ruler to go before, behind, and beside us. He has redeemed me and is sanctifying me through my time here at Covenant, and for that I rejoice!

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